


Earth

by Kahvi



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-01
Updated: 2007-09-01
Packaged: 2017-10-12 09:48:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/123572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kahvi/pseuds/Kahvi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are some things Lister can't have right now, but that's what the AR suite is for, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Earth

**Author's Note:**

> _Black Holes: The Other Side of Infinity_ can be seen in Chicago's [Adler Planetarium](http://www.adlerplanetarium.org/), though sadly not in AR. Written for the [](http://community.livejournal.com/fanfic100/profile)[**fanfic100**](http://community.livejournal.com/fanfic100/) challenge - [my table is here](http://kahvi.livejournal.com/513913.html).

The air was clean, though he couldn't actually smell it. Still, Lister could _feel_ it being clean; as clear as the sky above the lush green grass underneath his feet. In his imagination, which was a powerful thing when it wanted to be, it smelled of _home_. Which was odd, in a way. Lister's home had been all asphalt and concrete and plasticrete, sticking up through a cocktail of smog and noise pollution. And he had loved that. But he loved this too.

Earth.

Somehow, you could tell that it was. Like when you came home from a holiday, and saw the trees and houses and tiny little cars zooming up towards the plane, getting bigger and bigger. Objectively, they didn't look that different from the trees and houses and little cars in the place you had just left, but somehow they just were, and you knew this was _home_. He sat down, pushing at the grass with his fingers, delving into the soil below. It felt nice and comfy, and almost erotic. He shook his head at himself, giggling. Too long in deep space by far.

"So when do the naked cheerleaders start rolling in?"

The voice came from somewhere behind. "Eh?"

"Well..." Stepping out in front of him, Rimmer gave the landscape a critical view. "That's what always ends up happening in your AR sims, isn't it? You were even having it on with that husky voiced narrator from "Black Holes: The Other Side of Infinity," weren't you?

"Rimmer," Lister snorted, getting up and brushing his hands off on his overall leg, "that's a _guy_. Quite obviously a guy too. Disembodied, at that."

"It's wasn't when I played it," Rimmer mumbled quickly, turning away. Lister giggled.

"There're no cheerleaders, man. This is Earth."

Rimmer turned again. "Earth?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

This didn't seem, to Lister, to be a suitable sort of reaction. It had taken him days to edit the program to make this work, and all he got was a half-interested 'oh'? "Yeah, it's Liverpool." He pointed. "Over there's the pub where I was found as a baby. And over there, by that tree in the distance, that's where me gran used to live." He beamed, proudly.

Rimmer tilted his head, his eyes slowly narrowing. "Have you gone mental? I always feel it's polite to ask before I call for the straitjackets and sedatives."

"Not like it was when _I_ lived there, obviously. Remember how Holly always said the human race might be extinct by now, yeah? Well, I found this landscape simulator, and I fed in all the details I could find about Earth, and I made it calculate what it'd look like without any people living on it for the odd million years or so. This is what it looks like now. If it's still there."

Rimmer nodded. Then he crossed his arms over his chest, walking towards a nearby brook. He poked a foot into it, frowning. A tiny frog jumped up in surprise, settling on Rimmer's foot. They looked at one another in mutual suspicion until the frog got bored and jumped away. Half a second too late, Rimmer shook his foot, as though he had been the one who dislodged the animal. He walked back, his face a careful blank. "Yes, well, that's all very good, I suppose. But why did you want me in here?"

Lister shrugged. "You hadn't seen it."

"There are quite a lot of places I haven't seen, Lister. People generally don't build complex Artificial Reality simulations of them just to show me." A butterfly flew by, and Rimmer swatted at it. Ignoring him, it flew closer, settling on his ear. He was about to swat at it again when Lister caught his arm.

"I built it fer me. But I wanted you to see it."

Rimmer blinked, and the butterfly flew away, making a little circle around his head as a detour. But Lister did not let go of his arm, and they stood together, an absurd tableaux; the only two human beings on this artificial Earth. One dead, one living, but who was counting. Rimmer whet his lips, about to say something, when a disembodied voice rang through.

"Mister Lister? I'm sorry to disturb you – I know you don't like me to interrupt when you're in your... special simulations, but I wanted you to..." The rest of the message was lost in Rimmer's outraged spluttering.

" _Special simulations?_ "

"It's not what you think," Lister said, hurriedly, but Rimmer was already backing away, eyes wide in horror.

"You brought me in here to have _sex_ with you? Great Space, is it any wonder there aren't any cheerleaders!"

"Rimmer..."

"Get away from me, you perverted son of a goit!" Lister's hand, which had been on it's way to Rimmer's shoulder, was swatted away violently. "I'm not _gay!_ And even if I was, I wouldn't do it in some skanky AR sim with a drunken Scouser who probably couldn't even _spell_ hygiene correctly, much less know what it means!"

"Mister Lister?" The voice rang out again. "It's just that dinner is ready, sir, and you've already missed two meals today."

Sighing, Lister took a step closer to the raging hologram. "Be there in a minute, Krytes."

"A minute?" Rimmer shook with anger, but he didn't back away anymore. "And just what are you expecting to do in that minute, miladdio?"

Lister sighed sadly. "Say goodbye."

"What?" Rimmer leaned backwards, nostrils flaring. "Is that some sort of euphemism for..."

"Off," Lister yelled, clapping his hands together. The landscape around them faded, leaving them in a black, default simulation matrix. Rimmer's mouth shut, abruptly, and before he could react, Lister planted a quick kiss on his lips, then stood back, yelling "subprogram off," and Rimmer, too, faded.

Kryten fussed around him as Lister took his gloves and helmet off.

"Miss Kochanski is very worried about you, sir. She said she would be coming in to get you if you weren't back by dinner time. I didn't want to disturb you, but..."

Lister brushed him off with a smile. "It's all right, Kryten, man. You did the right thing." Wiggling out of the various peripherals, he nodded with faked interest as Kryten segued into a detailed explanation of the preparations he had gone through for the meal, and how insensitive Miss Kochanski was about this and that, and how she never put the nutmeg back with the other spices, when it _obviously_ was a spice. As they trotted off down the corridor, the lights went out in the AR suite.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've enjoyed this story, and you like Red Dwarf slash, check out the [Red Dwarf Slash Community on Livejournal](http://community.livejournal.com/fanfic100/profile), home of excellent slash writers!


End file.
